When Feedback Stings (But Doesn’t Have to Bruise)
This one’s for the girlies who hear “Can I give you some feedback?” and immediately feel their stomach drop.
Dear Cheerleader,
Every time my boss says, “Can I give you some feedback?” I panic. My brain goes into overdrive, replaying everything I might have done wrong. I know feedback is supposed to help me grow, but in the moment it just feels like criticism. How do I stop taking it so personally?
Sincerely,
Sensitive but Trying
Dear Sensitive but Trying,
First up, you’re not alone. That stomach-drop moment when someone says, “Can I give you some feedback?” is incredibly common. It triggers our threat response and suddenly we’re scanning for mistakes. But here’s the truth: feedback isn’t a verdict. It’s just information.
One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that feedback isn’t personal, even when it feels like it is. For a long time, every comment felt like a spotlight on my flaws. But I’ve learned that feedback is rarely about who you are. It’s about what you have done and how you can do it better.
Here’s what’s helped me:
Pause before reacting. Our first instinct is often defensiveness. Take a breath, listen fully and remind yourself: this is about the work and not about who you are as a person.
Get curious. Vague feedback is hard to act on. Instead of shutting down, ask questions like “Can you give me an example?” or “What would good look like?”. That shifts the convo from critique to collaboration.
Separate delivery from content. Not everyone gives feedback well. Lets be honest… it is rarely done well. If it’s clumsy or blunt, don’t get stuck on the tone. Look for the nugget that will actually help you grow and leave the rest.
You’re in control. Feedback is input, not instruction. You get to decide what’s relevant, what’s actionable and what’s not.
Feedback is uncomfortable because it shines a light on areas we don’t always want to see. But discomfort isn’t danger. It’s often a sign that you’re stretching. Think of it less like a bruise and more like that sore-muscle feeling after a workout. Uncomfy, yes, but a sign you’re building strength.
Constructive feedback wont always feel like getting a warm hug and that’s okay. But it also doesn’t have to bruise. You don’t have to love feedback you just have to learn how to use it. Take what helps, discard what doesn’t and keep moving forward.
Your Cheerleader
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