I’m not competing, I’m just existing
This one is for the girlies who just wanna vibe and collaborate, not compete and compare.
Dear Nell,
I work with someone who always seems to be in secret competition with me. If I share an idea, she has a “better” one. If I get praised, she either ramps things up to get noticed too or gives me the cold shoulder. I’m not even trying to compete, I just want to do good work and have a nice relationship with my team, including her.
But her energy makes everything feel tense and transactional. I’m starting to feel like I have to downplay myself just to keep things chill. Is there a way to shift the dynamic? Or do I just have to keep my head down and accept that we’ll never have a good relationship?
Thanks,
Over-it
Dear Over-it,
Urgh, the quiet rivalry no one asked for. To start, your instinct to want a positive, collaborative vibe at work isn’t naïve, it’s powerful. It takes guts to hold out for a more positive situation when faced with adversarial behaviour from a teammate. Generally, this type of behaviour driven from the person’s own triggers and experience of the world, and not by you directly. Unnecessary competition within the team can certainly make the working day harder. There are come ways to manage your own response to this though, so let’s get into it.
1. Don’t shrink for anyone.
It’s tempting to play small to avoid tension, but trust me, that won’t work and will likely make you feel worse overall. You deserve to be fully seen and celebrated at work, as does she. Remember, there is space for everyone to shine.
2. Take the lead on collaboration.
If you genuinely want a better relationship, model the behaviour you’d like to see. Invite her in. Say, “You’ve got great ideas, maybe we could collaborate on a project next time?”. From collaborating more closely with her, you might learn more about her motivations and behavioural drivers.
3. Name the pattern, kindly, if needed.
If things escalate, a gentle naming of the dynamic might be needed. Something like, “I’ve noticed we sometimes fall into one-upping each other sometimes, and I really value teamwork more than anything. How can we work better together?”. Addressing things gently but head on will likely show her you aren’t tolerant of the behaviour BECAUSE you want to build a good relationship.
4. Don’t let it turn you into someone you are not.
Keep doing your thing. Stay focused on your own lane and don’t get caught in the comparison trap. Know that you are bringing your own value to the table. You are clearly someone that values good relationships at work, so don’t let this deter you.
Bestie, just by being yourself, you’re setting a different standard. Not one of silent rivalry, but of grounded confidence and generosity. That’s leadership. Some people might rise to meet that energy, others might not. But either way, you don’t have to expend too much energy on it. Keep your eyes on your own work and your own growth, that’s the real win.
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